I'm not sure how to say Amen

Amen.

 

It’s what we say at the end of prayers. It is what I hear from the elderly gentleman who attends my church throughout the sermon.  Over the past 4 months I have tried to figure out how to say “Amen” and have faith behind the words.  Have the faith to truly mean Amen after my talk with God.

The song that is called Amen by I Am They is constantly on repeat as I drive to work each morning. The lyrics themselves have become a prayer. The tears that flow have become a prayer when words can’t escape my mouth.

I have no words to say

Don't know what I should pray

God, I need You

God, I need You

Oh Lord, my faith is tired

And tears fill up my eyes

But I will trust You, I will trust You

Whatever comes my way

You have taught me to say

Amen, let Your kingdom come

Amen, let Your will be done

And through the rise and fall

You're God above it all

Amen, we're singing Amen

When I can barely stand

You strengthen me again

I will seek You, I will seek You

Though troubles may arise

My hands reach to the skies

I will praise You, I will praise You”

       I was told for a second time in 4 months that the sweet baby growing inside me didn't have a heartbeat. Nothing can prepare for the sea of emotions that would overtake you in the days & weeks that follow. It wasn't just a few weeks of hope and dreams lost. A child lost. It was the first cry, the tucking in, bedtime prayers, and birthday--for a second time.  

 Miscarriage, nobody physically died…that’s what some have mentioned. It wasn’t a real somebody. It wasn’t fully formed. Not for anyone else to see. There was no "somebody". In most cases there is no physical evidence that there was a baby at all. So when a woman experiences a miscarriage, it is all silent and secret, just like the miracle that was meant to be growing inside of her. I was 8 weeks pregnant when my baby died. I was 8 weeks when I had an early pregnancy loss, but it is more than that. I was 8 weeks when I became a mother to an angel. My Angel. And nobody can take that away from me.
   

      Feeling alone and angry and raw and numb and shaken. All at the same time. I try and tell myself that I am over reacting. BUT I am supposed to be pregnant. Actually I am supposed to be almost 7-8 months pregnant right now or at least be 10 weeks pregnant right now.  If it were up to me. If I was the one who got to decide. I was the one who had planned out a nursery. Thought of a mountain scene above the crib. Envisioned it in my head across the hall. Picked out a baby girl name---knowing for sure I was going to have a boy. I was supposed to feel my baby kick and see the squishy nose on the ultrasound.  I'm supposed to have sickness and cravings.

But I'm not. It's not up to me. I didn't get a choice.

I wept again.

I felt almost in a daze the entire week.

Waiting. Wondering. Waiting.

Simple. But not so simple.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalm 61:2). If I was ever overwhelmed, it was now. Overwhelmed. I pictured what I felt… heartache,  waters crashing over me so much that I can't catch my breath; my feeble attempts of escaping it on my own are futile. I’m drowning. My vision stays blurry and nothing seems to focus but this one thing. I am losing my child.   

Then the overreacting kicks back in…I now don’t have to worry about solving our small house, two-bedroom dilemma. How we were going to change our daily schedules.  My early worries are now missed joys.

I wouldn’t be wearing the maternity sweater I’ve had in my closet for years.

We wouldn’t be celebrating my first Mother’s Day.

We wouldn’t be gawking over ultrasound pictures or talking to my sisters about becoming a mom.

It was back to normal. Except, it wasn’t.

My life is forever different. It looks the same to most. There are no visible signs of change. But my life is changed. And not merely changed back to what it was before I knew I was pregnant. I wish I could go back there. That pain…..the part of not being able. That was easier. That was manageable. This is pain----scars you.

It changed once when we discovered there was a baby. It changed when we discovered our Little One was gone (again).  You are frozen in certain moments in time.  I always fix my eyes on this one spot when I’m in an ultrasound. It’s a red mark on the ceiling. I focus on that and just hear the beeps of the machine, the clicks. The uncomfortable feeling of being there. I want to forget that.

Though it’s not easy to talk about. I will never forget it happened.

I remember when I  think about how I should have a growing belly.

I remember when I look in the mirror.

I remember when baby stuff pops up in my feed.

I remember when I see photos of  babies.

I remember when I see a friend’s due date.

I remember when I put away that sweater for another winter.

I remember when I open my eyes, when I breathe in, when I exhale.

     I am not sure how to do this.  
  
 I am not sure how to say....AMEN

Thy will be done...

There are moments which mark your life.  Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this.

I WAS PREGNANT AND NOW I'M NOT.

 I said it. It's been this hidden thing. Walking around with this secret part of me. Keeping it swept away half makes me feel like it didn't even happen at all. Some days, grief hangs heavy in my throat and other times I forgotten that I was caring a child inside me. A little bit of me and a little bit of Brian.

But I did. For 10 weeks.

I am immediately loved it. Dreamed of a life with it and the nursery across the hall. Thought of names. Told those closest to my heart. And we prayed. I would lay my hands on my belly and ask God for a healthy baby to be growing inside me. Those closest to us prayed with us. When we found out something might be wrong and we all prayed harder.  I tried to convince myself that God gave me the miracle of getting pregnant that everything would be OK.

He said no. (Or at least not right now)

I'm trying really hard to be completely ok with the no. It's a constant battle between my head and my heart. Because I know God loves nothing more to give me the desire of being a mom. Wants to give Brian and I a family together. Everyone close to me knows I love writing. I'm a wordsmith. 

But this… my page stayed empty for a long time.  My heart stay broken. A body in physical pain. I'm overwhelmed with so much emotion in my mind panics. Tears flow. And breathing seems to stop.
Sometimes it hurts, it hurts so much that I feel like my chest will cave in and the only thing stopping   It are the gasps of air I take in between tears. I didn't even know I hadn't been breathing.  I never knew I could love someone so much. Someone that I will never get to see their face. Someone who I will never get to hold or   experience life with.

I'm mad and angry. But I have to figure out how to move on. How to live life "normally". Live as though  there is part of me isn't  missing. I'm trying .....I'm trying to be OK to figure this all out ...to understand the good. To not think about the "if onlys" or the "I would have beens". I'm fighting the desire to just sit and cry. I want to be brave. I'm far from that. I'm scared. I'm terrified. Just trying to see if I can even survive the journey.  My words aren't sufficient enough to express my pain and my heart break. But  My God I know you are in control. I need my heart to know that even when I cannot fathom the grief of this loss that you are present. Your heart breaks with mine. Right now I feel that my hopes and dreams will never be possible.  You know every ounce of grief God, every part of my fractured soul, every piece of my brokenness. Please comfort me, Lord.

When God said no...it wasn't the first time. I've asked for a child for the past 9+ years. I've asked for relationships restored. And many many more things. I know God loves me and has been by my side through this whole thing. Even in the anger and hurt. I know the cliché that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. I'm more mad that this happened that he would give me this and then take it away. I keep asking myself would have been better not of had this at all? To not have have gotten pregnant. See before I came to this understanding that I wasn't going to be able to carry my own child. I really was okay with it. Knew I would be adopting. Now ......now I had it and it didn't work out. Yes, I know we can keep trying and the second time might work out. It just doesn't take this away. My big fear is what if this happens again?

I ask myself what am I supposed to learn from this? There has to be something. More faith? Patience? Understanding? "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to give you hope and a future." My favorite verse. I have clung to it for many years. It's tattooed on my foot. It's in my house in several places. It's on my journal cover. I've repeated it in joy and sorrow. In the midst of that sorrow I have begged God for hope and the peace to understand His plan. I want His will. I do. I don't want my life without God in it. Him over me. Because of that I'll take this heart ache despite the reason. I'll take his will be done. My latest tattoo is for my angel baby. I have it on my left arm in memory of trying to accept what has happened as part of all God's plan.
 I wrote a letter 5 years prior exactly to the day of when I found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. I have done back and read that letter countless times. I've cried countless more times. I've questioned God and thanked him for the same situation.  The first face my baby got to see was Jesus. It never has felt anything but love. The sound of my heart was the only thing of this world. Will God give me a yes? I pray that he does.
     

"Mommy has wanted you so very much. I have cried many tears wanting you to be here. No one ever told me that wanting something so badly could hurt. My sweet baby I have hurt for you. I wake up thinking about you. As I go about my day you are constantly in my thoughts. When I lay in bed at night I dream about you. I wonder if you’ll have brown hair like me? Blue eyes or brown? Will you have freckles like I do? What will your voice be like? How will your personality be? All of these things and more constantly run through my head.  I cannot wait to hold you, to feel you against my chest, to hear you cry for the first time, and to watch you while you sleep. You have taught me many things my little one. Trusting in God has been one of them. I have blamed myself for not having you here sooner. I know I shouldn’t and God is teaching me how to deal with that. I am trying to understand that you will come when he plans. God is showing me patience, love, and how to build my faith. For I know that he and he alone can heal the pain and hurt I have for not having you.

My sweet baby no matter how you come into my life I want you to know that I have prayed for you every second of the day. I will continue to pray for you all of your life. I love you more than you can ever imagine. 

--Mommy"

     Dear Heart,

       You will be okay.

      Love, 

     You

Arizona Adventures

              Soooo the Esparza adventures continue with our first Arizona trip! Michelle and I hadn't been back to Arizona since we were 3 years old. So basically we have NO memory of the place where we were born. To say we were excited is an understatement. We also hadn't seen our dad and step mom since we left Seattle in July. Our brother and family came in from Seattle along with more family for the vacation.

       We get picked up from the airport by my dad, brother, and step mom. We are sooooo excited to see them. Life is just different when we are all together.  They now are a piece of me so it just feels right when we are all together. We get to our rental house and everyone is up waiting on us! We stay up for a little bit and chit chat.

   Thursday is when the fun happens. I get up early and catch the sunrise. It was gorgeous! I got some amazing photos!  This was the only sunrise I could get since it was cloudy every other morning.

 

 We had so fun on the trip! We went to an aquarium where the bathrooms had sharks behind the sink, butterfly place and saw tons of different kinds of butterflies. None of which wanted to land on me. lol We also went to a gold mind town  next to Superstition Mountain and road around the desert some. Then of course the famous Renaissance Festival! We saw tons of amazing shows, good food, GREAT company and fun!! We celebrated Gianna's birthday. Which is a great memory. Her 5th birthday being our first we get to be apart of! The whole weekend was epic. Our Arizona Adventures are just beginning for that I am sure of!

The Struggle is Part of the Story but the story is just beginning!

 

What's in a Name??

Brittany Rae Pruett....

Your name....it's something that defines who you are. You are given it before you are born or at least right after. Your mom and dad pondered it. Probably yelled it out for practice. Even thought of some nicknames for you. My mom got my middle name from the TV show Facts of Life house mother Charlotte Rae. Then randomly picked my first name. All of my sisters have 8 letters in our names so there's that too.  Being a twin my name also has a combo. Brittany-Michelle...Michelle-Brittany. All said right together as if we are the same person.

   Recently the topic of "names" came up. First when I was discussing with my soul sister about how I had been feeling about how I defined myself.  I'd always defined myself as a daughter, sister, teacher, friend, writer, hiker, wife (in the past). Truthfully I never thought about myself has God did. HIS.  I was HIS daughter and child....first and foremost.  I got caught up in the worldly aspect of who I was. Being a good daughter and pleasing my mother. Being a good sister and always being there for them.  Being a good teacher and providing the best education to the children in my classroom.  Being a wife and trying to please my husband and do whatever he needed.  I got to where I was just living life for everyone else. Instead of the one who created me to begin with.

      Losing sight of who I was saddened myself more than anything.  I wanted to please everyone else so bad. I'm a people pleaser...it's a problem.  When you give yourself to other things you tear down yourself.   I got depressed and lost.  I felt like my life didn't have any meaning.  I kept trying to fill it with all the worldly titles. I never felt good enough. Never felt pretty enough. Just never was enough. And now that I look back I wasn't every going to live up to my own expectations.  Then when life took its turn and I found myself trying to figure out how to live this new life I was shoved into I learned a lot!!

      I learned I had come a long way from where I was. I was no longer the anxiety/panic stricken person. When struggles came I didn't feel like I was going to have a meltdown. I didn't "make up" a reality in my head or thoughts that weren't true to dictate my life. I was able to survive in my actual reality.  I remember praying and asking God to take away my anxiety. To always give me a clear mind and to help me see the truth in situations. A weight was lifted that I had been carrying for far too long.
    For a long time I also looked in the mirror and saw myself as not good enough. Which isn't true. It hit me after I stood in the mirror one morning telling myself I was going to be okay and that God was right there beside me. God made me.....he makes all things good. God said I was HIS DAUGHTER!! Why was I lessening his creation???? I needed to stop telling God that he messed up when he made me because that is just not true.
   One of the biggest changes that I struggled with was when I was trying to figure out how to not be married person any longer. The only thing that helped was that I had a long time to process this ordeal. I was alone for months and months prior to having to fill out the papers to go back to Pruett. It was weird and a very emotional day.  I lost a part of me. Well because I couldn't be BRT any longer. When you get married you are SOOOOO excited to change that name. Whohoo...your Mrs. _____!! Then when you have to take that back. It's a whole different feelings.  I laid down my old life and became someone new.

      I took this as my new life though.  I was BRP (again). Which was fine. I had embraced this new life I was living. I am completely 100% okay with it. I actually enjoy people calling me Britt or Brittany Rae.  It just reminds me of how far I have come.  It reminds me of the mountains I climbed and sometimes was carried through. It reminds me that God gives grace and mercy. It reminds me that God isn't done with me yet. God has his promise to me...his daughter. HIS...our God made me his. Just thinking that thought gives me so much joy. Knowing that he loves me more than anything. Knowing that he has given me so much my whole life.

I am Brittany Rae and this is my story.
  

Top of the Stairs: How you are Loved Forever

      I stood in a court room and told the judge my marriage of almost 7 years to a man I had committed to for 15 years could not be saved. My hands were sweaty and clenched so hard my fingernails were digging in.  I was fighting back tears. I couldn't even look at S in the face.  I walked out of that court room and into a stairwell to collect myself. I just stared out the window at the top of the stairs. Vision blurry and my mind in a million places. I prayed to God to stop the pain.  To ease the tightness in my chest. Prayed for him to help me through this moment and every moment after. As he had the years prior. Even without me realizing what was in store or what was happening around me. 
I stood at the top of the stairs and thought back to what I had heard Easter 2016 at City Church titled "Top of the Stairs: How You are Loved Forever" (click on link to listen for yourself--you won't be disappointed) 

I was standing at the top of the stairs losing part of myself ...well actually I lost it years prior to that just didn't realize it. I had felt God's love more than I ever had in my whole life the past year and half of my life. When I finally realized that I wasn't living life the way God intended or commanded of me. I changed all of that which allowed me to feel God beside me...feel his presence. Hear his voice.  At the top of those stairs I was begging God to flood me with all that he is. So I could have enough strength to walk out of the building, to finish the day and the next day and the next day. Strength to start over.  I was sobbing and everything felt fuzzy. I could hear the echos of footsteps but it sounded muffled.  I had fought for years to save my marriage and it didn't work. Addiction, sin, bitterness, abuse and more won the battle.  At least that is the way it seemed.

This sermon though came to me and the thought "I'll love you forever".
I heard God whisper that into my ear.

I'll be quoting a lot from it so my thoughts in this post aren't strictly my own but also Trevor Atwood's  one of my pastors at City Church.

"When you are at the top of the stairs you have to decide between life and death. You will find yourself between a broken busted up past and a hopeful future. At some point in your life something you depend on to make life worth living is going to collapse underneath your  feet right and  there you have a choice.... you have to figure out what to do? You can ignore it but it isn't dealing with the reality of death or you can turn around and walk back downstairs and waller in it. But that ignores  the longing of your soul that there is hope and a future." 

  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite verse of course) 

        I was at the top of the stairs. Quite literally.  And once I walked out I had a choice to make. I could waller in my pain, my hurt, my past. I could have the whoa-is-me, poor poor pitiful me attitude. I could focus on the sin that I did. I could beat myself up about the wrongs I committed. I could think about what my husband did... letting addiction take over this life,  how he made the choice to not be faithful, the pain felt by his hand.

                           OR

I could walk out of there knowing God was handling it all. That he wouldn't leave me to figure out this "death" on my own.

How does one handle it? 

" you can't face the top of the stairs moments without believing in your heart and all your life that Jesus Christ died at the cross for my place" 

         See Christ already made my way to survive this death I was feeling. To be redeemed from this scarlet letter I felt like I was wearing. He took my past and the sins and he took them away. They weren't meant to be carried by me.

                  "God didn't make you to die, he made you to live"

              See I knew God needed to bring me to my death. I knew he needed to take everything I had in order for me to truly live for him. Being at the top of those court house steps was just part of it. God was opening my heart to pay attention. I was getting the gospel like I had never before.... I was getting the answers to my disappointment. I thought I needed S to love me. I didn't. I wanted him to love me. I wanted the past to be healed. But mostly, I needed just Jesus.  It doesn't matter what you have done or who you are you need Jesus.  I needed to fully commit to him. And I hadn't. I had based my life around my marriage. Everything I did was to try and please and do good for that.  You see everyone is a slave to something. Mine was anxiety, anger, and control. 

You look at the moment when you lose everything you thought was important. Now was my marriage important?? Well of course. Was it worth losing my "me", letting my relationship with Christ slide, forgetting what I was called to do on this earth?? Absolutely not.

How would you respond if you lost something? Money, job, marriage child?? Would it crush you? Would you lash out? 

       You better believe there were times I lashed out. When I was halfway back down the stairs ready to just sit in my pity. I was angry. I was hurt. I thought God would restore things. He had the power to. But he didn't in the way I thought. There were times it was hard to "keep the faith" as they say.

In my top of the stairs moment I remembered what Trevor said in his sermon 

                                         "God will love you forever" 

          So in my moment of emptiness and pain after losing my marriage. After I felt like I wouldn't be able to trust my heart again I felt God's love. I heard my heavenly fathers voice. The God that would love me despite of my past sins, my anxiety, my anger, and my hurt. The God that gave me grace and redemption. I couldn't remain in my regret because of God's love for me. God's sacrifice on the cross for me. So I was going to take this death and new life and do something with it.

I had a choice. 

       I took my top of the stairs moment and let God shine through it. So on that day instead of walking down the stairs and letting that take my life. I took the elevator and believed in God's promise with all my heart and soul. That I have a hope and a future.
                                  



The Struggle is Part of the Story.

The Mountains Are Calling

           So those of you who know me from the last year know that I went to these amazing Tetons mountains and I fell in love. Like waaayyyyy in love. The beauty of these mountains captures your heart. You can't look away. You can't help but hold your breath. Can't help but thank God for the magnificence in front of you.  I had my Jesus cry at the top of it...you can check that out here in my Out of Death Came Life post. I did climb part of it and looked over a scary rock. 
     Through the struggles God took my mountain and help me climb it. He helped me hike up switch back after switch back. He didn't move it for me, but he did grab my hand when I needed it. So of course I wanted something to remember this wonderful trip and to remember that all it took was the faith to get to where I am.  Tattoo #9 came! I am in love with it! I put it on my right lower arm. It is the exact outline of the sticker I randomly found at the store down the road from our rental we had.  I love this part of my story. I love that I have my mountains in my heart and on my arm. BUTTTTT....
I didn't stop there. I mean duh---I got a hand painted bible! I sent the artist a couple pictures from my trip and she did a wonderful job! She put Jeremiah 29:11 & Matthew 17:20 on the front of it as well.
I am super excited to wrinkle the pages of this bible. Write my thoughts and prayers inside. Add some highlight and dates to when God brings something to my heart. For it to be carried through my story and live life with me on this new journey.

The mountains are calling and I must go.

                

\

   

 

My Heart

Ain't no gift like the present tense...long live the heart, long live the soul....

Getting my first present from my dad was by far one of my favorite things about this Christmas. 

Those that know me should know that pictures are my thing.  I love to capture life as it happens and

candidly. Yes, I know that we should all live in the moment.  I do, I just also make sure I snap

memories. So getting a photo album was awesome.  Michelle, Jacob, and  I Facetimed  Dad and June

so they for the first time watch us open up the gift.  It was special. Sharing a holiday with a part of

my family that I never got to before this year.   It was cool seeing where the Esparza's started and

where we have come from along the way. Plus, seeing me and Michelle at the end. Seeing our story

printed out for all of us to remember. AND....I got a cool AZ Cardinals shirt. I mean I have to root

for their team every now and then in football.   We also got to Facetime with Allen, Julie and Gianna

so we could all open our presents at the same time.  I am sooo thankful for technology and being able

to still "see" them and have us experience things like this together.  One day we will all get to be

together and spend a Christmas together. 

      We also got to have our normal Sister Christmas. Mom and I do our movie Christmas where we

go to the movies and eat hibachi. Its our thing and I love that we have this tradition for us two. As

much as children hate it I like that I'm a lot like my mom. (most days mom 😉) We normally have to

wait to get together since everyone has other dinners to attend and 2-3 are too many for one day.  The

last couple years we also switched up what we have for dinner. Its not the "normal" Christmas

dinner so we went with good ole Prater BBQ.  Then it's not a sister get together if a game isn't

played! Fun was had by all and many many laughs. 

       Life is good.  My heart is full. 

The Struggle is Part of the Story.

Britt

Esparza Style.. Custom Bottles Made

I got Julie saying Y'all!

Dad got his own Bottle!!

Gianna's response to the y'all sweatshirt. She asks why I say the word all the time

The Girls

My Sisters

Best Christmas Gift I prayed for :) 

Annual Movie and Hibachi for Christmas

Family Photo

Kisses