Top of the Stairs: How you are Loved Forever

      I stood in a court room and told the judge my marriage of almost 7 years to a man I had committed to for 15 years could not be saved. My hands were sweaty and clenched so hard my fingernails were digging in.  I was fighting back tears. I couldn't even look at S in the face.  I walked out of that court room and into a stairwell to collect myself. I just stared out the window at the top of the stairs. Vision blurry and my mind in a million places. I prayed to God to stop the pain.  To ease the tightness in my chest. Prayed for him to help me through this moment and every moment after. As he had the years prior. Even without me realizing what was in store or what was happening around me. 
I stood at the top of the stairs and thought back to what I had heard Easter 2016 at City Church titled "Top of the Stairs: How You are Loved Forever" (click on link to listen for yourself--you won't be disappointed) 

I was standing at the top of the stairs losing part of myself ...well actually I lost it years prior to that just didn't realize it. I had felt God's love more than I ever had in my whole life the past year and half of my life. When I finally realized that I wasn't living life the way God intended or commanded of me. I changed all of that which allowed me to feel God beside me...feel his presence. Hear his voice.  At the top of those stairs I was begging God to flood me with all that he is. So I could have enough strength to walk out of the building, to finish the day and the next day and the next day. Strength to start over.  I was sobbing and everything felt fuzzy. I could hear the echos of footsteps but it sounded muffled.  I had fought for years to save my marriage and it didn't work. Addiction, sin, bitterness, abuse and more won the battle.  At least that is the way it seemed.

This sermon though came to me and the thought "I'll love you forever".
I heard God whisper that into my ear.

I'll be quoting a lot from it so my thoughts in this post aren't strictly my own but also Trevor Atwood's  one of my pastors at City Church.

"When you are at the top of the stairs you have to decide between life and death. You will find yourself between a broken busted up past and a hopeful future. At some point in your life something you depend on to make life worth living is going to collapse underneath your  feet right and  there you have a choice.... you have to figure out what to do? You can ignore it but it isn't dealing with the reality of death or you can turn around and walk back downstairs and waller in it. But that ignores  the longing of your soul that there is hope and a future." 

  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite verse of course) 

        I was at the top of the stairs. Quite literally.  And once I walked out I had a choice to make. I could waller in my pain, my hurt, my past. I could have the whoa-is-me, poor poor pitiful me attitude. I could focus on the sin that I did. I could beat myself up about the wrongs I committed. I could think about what my husband did... letting addiction take over this life,  how he made the choice to not be faithful, the pain felt by his hand.

                           OR

I could walk out of there knowing God was handling it all. That he wouldn't leave me to figure out this "death" on my own.

How does one handle it? 

" you can't face the top of the stairs moments without believing in your heart and all your life that Jesus Christ died at the cross for my place" 

         See Christ already made my way to survive this death I was feeling. To be redeemed from this scarlet letter I felt like I was wearing. He took my past and the sins and he took them away. They weren't meant to be carried by me.

                  "God didn't make you to die, he made you to live"

              See I knew God needed to bring me to my death. I knew he needed to take everything I had in order for me to truly live for him. Being at the top of those court house steps was just part of it. God was opening my heart to pay attention. I was getting the gospel like I had never before.... I was getting the answers to my disappointment. I thought I needed S to love me. I didn't. I wanted him to love me. I wanted the past to be healed. But mostly, I needed just Jesus.  It doesn't matter what you have done or who you are you need Jesus.  I needed to fully commit to him. And I hadn't. I had based my life around my marriage. Everything I did was to try and please and do good for that.  You see everyone is a slave to something. Mine was anxiety, anger, and control. 

You look at the moment when you lose everything you thought was important. Now was my marriage important?? Well of course. Was it worth losing my "me", letting my relationship with Christ slide, forgetting what I was called to do on this earth?? Absolutely not.

How would you respond if you lost something? Money, job, marriage child?? Would it crush you? Would you lash out? 

       You better believe there were times I lashed out. When I was halfway back down the stairs ready to just sit in my pity. I was angry. I was hurt. I thought God would restore things. He had the power to. But he didn't in the way I thought. There were times it was hard to "keep the faith" as they say.

In my top of the stairs moment I remembered what Trevor said in his sermon 

                                         "God will love you forever" 

          So in my moment of emptiness and pain after losing my marriage. After I felt like I wouldn't be able to trust my heart again I felt God's love. I heard my heavenly fathers voice. The God that would love me despite of my past sins, my anxiety, my anger, and my hurt. The God that gave me grace and redemption. I couldn't remain in my regret because of God's love for me. God's sacrifice on the cross for me. So I was going to take this death and new life and do something with it.

I had a choice. 

       I took my top of the stairs moment and let God shine through it. So on that day instead of walking down the stairs and letting that take my life. I took the elevator and believed in God's promise with all my heart and soul. That I have a hope and a future.
                                  



The Struggle is Part of the Story.