Your name....it's something that defines who you are. You are given it before you are born or at least right after. Your mom and dad pondered it. Probably yelled it out for practice. Even thought of some nicknames for you. My mom got my middle name from the TV show Facts of Life house mother Charlotte Rae. Then randomly picked my first name. All of my sisters have 8 letters in our names so there's that too. Being a twin my name also has a combo. Brittany-Michelle...Michelle-Brittany. All said right together as if we are the same person.
Recently the topic of "names" came up. First when I was discussing with my soul sister about how I had been feeling about how I defined myself. I'd always defined myself as a daughter, sister, teacher, friend, writer, hiker, wife (in the past). Truthfully I never thought about myself has God did. HIS. I was HIS daughter and child....first and foremost. I got caught up in the worldly aspect of who I was. Being a good daughter and pleasing my mother. Being a good sister and always being there for them. Being a good teacher and providing the best education to the children in my classroom. Being a wife and trying to please my husband and do whatever he needed. I got to where I was just living life for everyone else. Instead of the one who created me to begin with.
Losing sight of who I was saddened myself more than anything. I wanted to please everyone else so bad. I'm a people pleaser...it's a problem. When you give yourself to other things you tear down yourself. I got depressed and lost. I felt like my life didn't have any meaning. I kept trying to fill it with all the worldly titles. I never felt good enough. Never felt pretty enough. Just never was enough. And now that I look back I wasn't every going to live up to my own expectations. Then when life took its turn and I found myself trying to figure out how to live this new life I was shoved into I learned a lot!!
I learned I had come a long way from where I was. I was no longer the anxiety/panic stricken person. When struggles came I didn't feel like I was going to have a meltdown. I didn't "make up" a reality in my head or thoughts that weren't true to dictate my life. I was able to survive in my actual reality. I remember praying and asking God to take away my anxiety. To always give me a clear mind and to help me see the truth in situations. A weight was lifted that I had been carrying for far too long.
For a long time I also looked in the mirror and saw myself as not good enough. Which isn't true. It hit me after I stood in the mirror one morning telling myself I was going to be okay and that God was right there beside me. God made me.....he makes all things good. God said I was HIS DAUGHTER!! Why was I lessening his creation???? I needed to stop telling God that he messed up when he made me because that is just not true.
One of the biggest changes that I struggled with was when I was trying to figure out how to not be married person any longer. The only thing that helped was that I had a long time to process this ordeal. I was alone for months and months prior to having to fill out the papers to go back to Pruett. It was weird and a very emotional day. I lost a part of me. Well because I couldn't be BRT any longer. When you get married you are SOOOOO excited to change that name. Whohoo...your Mrs. _____!! Then when you have to take that back. It's a whole different feelings. I laid down my old life and became someone new.
I took this as my new life though. I was BRP (again). Which was fine. I had embraced this new life I was living. I am completely 100% okay with it. I actually enjoy people calling me Britt or Brittany Rae. It just reminds me of how far I have come. It reminds me of the mountains I climbed and sometimes was carried through. It reminds me that God gives grace and mercy. It reminds me that God isn't done with me yet. God has his promise to me...his daughter. HIS...our God made me his. Just thinking that thought gives me so much joy. Knowing that he loves me more than anything. Knowing that he has given me so much my whole life.
I am Brittany Rae and this is my story.
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