Out of Death Will Come Life Prt 2

Out of Death Will Come Life Part 2..

Okay so the divorce happened and I was having "my trip". It was during the week of what was supposed to be my 7 year/15 year anniversary. Soooo I called it my non-anniversary. We had gone on a river trip early that morning, did some site seeing, and then went up to the top of a one of the mountains of a tram/sky lift.  Simple enough day. At the top I sat on this rock and just gazed out to the beauty of God's creation. I thought back on the last year an a half of my life and a weapt for it. Not in a sense that I was "sad" but I felt like I was ending the grief then and there. I actually hadn't cried in some time but this cry felt good. I had a little talk with Jesus. At the end of it. I left my heart break, pain, hurt, and grief at the top elevation  10,450 feet.  But here is the writing that I wrote that day. Along with the amazing view of Teton Village, Wyoming. 

 



It's like I'm walking in a dream.

        I see a woman. Young, standing alone in a field, between fire and green grass. She feels the heat and the smoke is burning her lungs. Her eyes are watering trying to look past. She is wondering if she is going to make it before the fire takes over everything. 

       She stops and drops to her knees while tears are flowing from her cheek. The pain from what is happening too much to handle. She looks ahead and sees the beauty. The green grass, beautiful tree, and the bright sun. New Life.

   

 The woman I see is me.

I felt the heat from my body and panic that life gave me. I had to often touch my chest and remind myself to take a second, breath, and to wake up from the lies that were swimming around in my head.  I needed to understand that I must lay down my old life in order to begin the new one. I was scared but I knew I would learn that God would give me the strength and give me something greater than I could have ever imagined.

 I was in a chapter in my life where I desperately didn't want to be in. Where I get my heart broken, fears come true, but out of all that death came life. This feeling went deep, it is what I held onto even when I didn't believe it at first. I would say it out loud praying one day it would be true. An I'm supposed to thing. It's not fate, its not in the stars, or destiny. When it comes to things there are no accidents. Everything is happening based on your choice and sometimes someones else. My life was in this season for a reason. It wasn't so I could fail or to quit. My future was going to be different than my past. 

      I had good and bad moments, terrified thoughts and confident ones. It felt like I was being pushed into a role I hadn't asked for; the full scope I didn't know yet.  "Destiny" felt like an obligation. That I was thrown into the "battle" against myself and what was going on, that had to be my choice. Though in my head the choice was made long before these thoughts. The "For Better or For Worse" that was my choice...and if that was true than I didn't ask for this ending. I had dreamed up this life for myself and well this wasn't it. 

BUT...

God gave me a promise, That I would live in extraordinary life. That the pain I was feeling I would be healed from; that the life I was moving into would matter.  That I would do great things. That I would be a great woman. Better than before. I believed that. Believed it in the midst of the pain and still do out of it.

I don't regret the choices I have made. Picking S for my husband, the wrongs I did in my life, picking to end my marriage and file for divorce, ending the life I once knew and starting over. Even when I ask myself the "what ifs" I'm glad I am where I am. I don't know who I would be if I hadn't picked "death".  I fear I wouldn't be in an okay. I used to try to play it all out in my head, how it would be if things could go back. But I can't let myself finish that thought. I couldn't imagine myself somewhere different than where I am at this very moment. I think about how far I have come mentally, spiritually, and physically and it's been a great distance. 

I think
How could I want to go back?

How could I give up what I've become? 

Give up where I am? 

I can't. 

Out of Death Will Come Life