I WAS PREGNANT AND NOW I'M NOT.
I said it. It's been this hidden thing. Walking around with
this secret part of me. Keeping it swept away half makes me feel like it
didn't even happen at all. Some days, grief hangs heavy in my throat and other times I forgotten
that I was caring a child inside me. A little bit of me and a little bit
of Brian.
But I did. For 10 weeks.
I am immediately loved it. Dreamed of a life with it and the nursery
across the hall. Thought of names. Told those closest to my heart. And we prayed. I would lay my hands on my belly and ask God for a
healthy baby to be growing inside me. Those closest to us prayed with
us. When we found out something might be wrong and we all prayed harder. I
tried to convince myself that God gave me the miracle of getting
pregnant that everything would be OK.He said no. (Or at least not right now)
I'm trying really hard to be completely ok with the no. It's a constant battle between my head and my heart. Because I know God loves nothing more to give me the desire of being a mom. Wants to give Brian and I a family together. Everyone close to me knows I love writing. I'm a wordsmith.
But this… my page stayed empty for a long time. My heart stay broken. A body in physical pain. I'm overwhelmed with so much emotion in my mind panics. Tears flow. And breathing seems to stop.
Sometimes it hurts, it hurts so much that I feel like my chest will cave in and the only thing stopping It are the gasps of air I take in between tears. I didn't even know I hadn't been breathing. I never knew I could love someone so much. Someone that I will never get to see their face. Someone who I will never get to hold or experience life with.
I'm mad and angry. But I have to figure out how to move on. How to live life "normally". Live as though there is part of me isn't missing. I'm trying .....I'm trying to be OK to figure this all out ...to understand the good. To not think about the "if onlys" or the "I would have beens". I'm fighting the desire to just sit and cry. I want to be brave. I'm far from that. I'm scared. I'm terrified. Just trying to see if I can even survive the journey. My words aren't sufficient enough to express my pain and my heart break. But My God I know you are in control. I need my heart to know that even when I cannot fathom the grief of this loss that you are present. Your heart breaks with mine. Right now I feel that my hopes and dreams will never be possible. You know every ounce of grief God, every part of my fractured soul, every piece of my brokenness. Please comfort me, Lord.
When God said no...it wasn't the first time. I've asked for a child for the past 9+ years. I've asked for relationships restored. And many many more things. I know God loves me and has been by my side through this whole thing. Even in the anger and hurt. I know the cliché that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. I'm more mad that this happened that he would give me this and then take it away. I keep asking myself would have been better not of had this at all? To not have have gotten pregnant. See before I came to this understanding that I wasn't going to be able to carry my own child. I really was okay with it. Knew I would be adopting. Now ......now I had it and it didn't work out. Yes, I know we can keep trying and the second time might work out. It just doesn't take this away. My big fear is what if this happens again?
I ask myself what am I supposed to learn from this? There has to be something. More faith? Patience? Understanding? "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to give you hope and a future." My favorite verse. I have clung to it for many years. It's tattooed on my foot. It's in my house in several places. It's on my journal cover. I've repeated it in joy and sorrow. In the midst of that sorrow I have begged God for hope and the peace to understand His plan. I want His will. I do. I don't want my life without God in it. Him over me. Because of that I'll take this heart ache despite the reason. I'll take his will be done. My latest tattoo is for my angel baby. I have it on my left arm in memory of trying to accept what has happened as part of all God's plan.
I wrote a letter 5 years prior exactly to the day of when I found out that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. I have done back and read that letter countless times. I've cried countless more times. I've questioned God and thanked him for the same situation. The first face my baby got to see was Jesus. It never has felt anything but love. The sound of my heart was the only thing of this world. Will God give me a yes? I pray that he does.
"Mommy has wanted you so very much. I have cried many tears wanting you to be here. No one ever told me that wanting something so badly could hurt. My sweet baby I have hurt for you. I wake up thinking about you. As I go about my day you are constantly in my thoughts. When I lay in bed at night I dream about you. I wonder if you’ll have brown hair like me? Blue eyes or brown? Will you have freckles like I do? What will your voice be like? How will your personality be? All of these things and more constantly run through my head. I cannot wait to hold you, to feel you against my chest, to hear you cry for the first time, and to watch you while you sleep. You have taught me many things my little one. Trusting in God has been one of them. I have blamed myself for not having you here sooner. I know I shouldn’t and God is teaching me how to deal with that. I am trying to understand that you will come when he plans. God is showing me patience, love, and how to build my faith. For I know that he and he alone can heal the pain and hurt I have for not having you.
My sweet baby no matter how you come into my life I want you to know that I have prayed for you every second of the day. I will continue to pray for you all of your life. I love you more than you can ever imagine.
--Mommy"
Dear Heart,
You will be okay.
Love,
You
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