Top of the Stairs: How you are Loved Forever

      I stood in a court room and told the judge my marriage of almost 7 years to a man I had committed to for 15 years could not be saved. My hands were sweaty and clenched so hard my fingernails were digging in.  I was fighting back tears. I couldn't even look at S in the face.  I walked out of that court room and into a stairwell to collect myself. I just stared out the window at the top of the stairs. Vision blurry and my mind in a million places. I prayed to God to stop the pain.  To ease the tightness in my chest. Prayed for him to help me through this moment and every moment after. As he had the years prior. Even without me realizing what was in store or what was happening around me. 
I stood at the top of the stairs and thought back to what I had heard Easter 2016 at City Church titled "Top of the Stairs: How You are Loved Forever" (click on link to listen for yourself--you won't be disappointed) 

I was standing at the top of the stairs losing part of myself ...well actually I lost it years prior to that just didn't realize it. I had felt God's love more than I ever had in my whole life the past year and half of my life. When I finally realized that I wasn't living life the way God intended or commanded of me. I changed all of that which allowed me to feel God beside me...feel his presence. Hear his voice.  At the top of those stairs I was begging God to flood me with all that he is. So I could have enough strength to walk out of the building, to finish the day and the next day and the next day. Strength to start over.  I was sobbing and everything felt fuzzy. I could hear the echos of footsteps but it sounded muffled.  I had fought for years to save my marriage and it didn't work. Addiction, sin, bitterness, abuse and more won the battle.  At least that is the way it seemed.

This sermon though came to me and the thought "I'll love you forever".
I heard God whisper that into my ear.

I'll be quoting a lot from it so my thoughts in this post aren't strictly my own but also Trevor Atwood's  one of my pastors at City Church.

"When you are at the top of the stairs you have to decide between life and death. You will find yourself between a broken busted up past and a hopeful future. At some point in your life something you depend on to make life worth living is going to collapse underneath your  feet right and  there you have a choice.... you have to figure out what to do? You can ignore it but it isn't dealing with the reality of death or you can turn around and walk back downstairs and waller in it. But that ignores  the longing of your soul that there is hope and a future." 

  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite verse of course) 

        I was at the top of the stairs. Quite literally.  And once I walked out I had a choice to make. I could waller in my pain, my hurt, my past. I could have the whoa-is-me, poor poor pitiful me attitude. I could focus on the sin that I did. I could beat myself up about the wrongs I committed. I could think about what my husband did... letting addiction take over this life,  how he made the choice to not be faithful, the pain felt by his hand.

                           OR

I could walk out of there knowing God was handling it all. That he wouldn't leave me to figure out this "death" on my own.

How does one handle it? 

" you can't face the top of the stairs moments without believing in your heart and all your life that Jesus Christ died at the cross for my place" 

         See Christ already made my way to survive this death I was feeling. To be redeemed from this scarlet letter I felt like I was wearing. He took my past and the sins and he took them away. They weren't meant to be carried by me.

                  "God didn't make you to die, he made you to live"

              See I knew God needed to bring me to my death. I knew he needed to take everything I had in order for me to truly live for him. Being at the top of those court house steps was just part of it. God was opening my heart to pay attention. I was getting the gospel like I had never before.... I was getting the answers to my disappointment. I thought I needed S to love me. I didn't. I wanted him to love me. I wanted the past to be healed. But mostly, I needed just Jesus.  It doesn't matter what you have done or who you are you need Jesus.  I needed to fully commit to him. And I hadn't. I had based my life around my marriage. Everything I did was to try and please and do good for that.  You see everyone is a slave to something. Mine was anxiety, anger, and control. 

You look at the moment when you lose everything you thought was important. Now was my marriage important?? Well of course. Was it worth losing my "me", letting my relationship with Christ slide, forgetting what I was called to do on this earth?? Absolutely not.

How would you respond if you lost something? Money, job, marriage child?? Would it crush you? Would you lash out? 

       You better believe there were times I lashed out. When I was halfway back down the stairs ready to just sit in my pity. I was angry. I was hurt. I thought God would restore things. He had the power to. But he didn't in the way I thought. There were times it was hard to "keep the faith" as they say.

In my top of the stairs moment I remembered what Trevor said in his sermon 

                                         "God will love you forever" 

          So in my moment of emptiness and pain after losing my marriage. After I felt like I wouldn't be able to trust my heart again I felt God's love. I heard my heavenly fathers voice. The God that would love me despite of my past sins, my anxiety, my anger, and my hurt. The God that gave me grace and redemption. I couldn't remain in my regret because of God's love for me. God's sacrifice on the cross for me. So I was going to take this death and new life and do something with it.

I had a choice. 

       I took my top of the stairs moment and let God shine through it. So on that day instead of walking down the stairs and letting that take my life. I took the elevator and believed in God's promise with all my heart and soul. That I have a hope and a future.
                                  



The Struggle is Part of the Story.

The Mountains Are Calling

           So those of you who know me from the last year know that I went to these amazing Tetons mountains and I fell in love. Like waaayyyyy in love. The beauty of these mountains captures your heart. You can't look away. You can't help but hold your breath. Can't help but thank God for the magnificence in front of you.  I had my Jesus cry at the top of it...you can check that out here in my Out of Death Came Life post. I did climb part of it and looked over a scary rock. 
     Through the struggles God took my mountain and help me climb it. He helped me hike up switch back after switch back. He didn't move it for me, but he did grab my hand when I needed it. So of course I wanted something to remember this wonderful trip and to remember that all it took was the faith to get to where I am.  Tattoo #9 came! I am in love with it! I put it on my right lower arm. It is the exact outline of the sticker I randomly found at the store down the road from our rental we had.  I love this part of my story. I love that I have my mountains in my heart and on my arm. BUTTTTT....
I didn't stop there. I mean duh---I got a hand painted bible! I sent the artist a couple pictures from my trip and she did a wonderful job! She put Jeremiah 29:11 & Matthew 17:20 on the front of it as well.
I am super excited to wrinkle the pages of this bible. Write my thoughts and prayers inside. Add some highlight and dates to when God brings something to my heart. For it to be carried through my story and live life with me on this new journey.

The mountains are calling and I must go.

                

\

   

 

My Heart

Ain't no gift like the present tense...long live the heart, long live the soul....

Getting my first present from my dad was by far one of my favorite things about this Christmas. 

Those that know me should know that pictures are my thing.  I love to capture life as it happens and

candidly. Yes, I know that we should all live in the moment.  I do, I just also make sure I snap

memories. So getting a photo album was awesome.  Michelle, Jacob, and  I Facetimed  Dad and June

so they for the first time watch us open up the gift.  It was special. Sharing a holiday with a part of

my family that I never got to before this year.   It was cool seeing where the Esparza's started and

where we have come from along the way. Plus, seeing me and Michelle at the end. Seeing our story

printed out for all of us to remember. AND....I got a cool AZ Cardinals shirt. I mean I have to root

for their team every now and then in football.   We also got to Facetime with Allen, Julie and Gianna

so we could all open our presents at the same time.  I am sooo thankful for technology and being able

to still "see" them and have us experience things like this together.  One day we will all get to be

together and spend a Christmas together. 

      We also got to have our normal Sister Christmas. Mom and I do our movie Christmas where we

go to the movies and eat hibachi. Its our thing and I love that we have this tradition for us two. As

much as children hate it I like that I'm a lot like my mom. (most days mom 😉) We normally have to

wait to get together since everyone has other dinners to attend and 2-3 are too many for one day.  The

last couple years we also switched up what we have for dinner. Its not the "normal" Christmas

dinner so we went with good ole Prater BBQ.  Then it's not a sister get together if a game isn't

played! Fun was had by all and many many laughs. 

       Life is good.  My heart is full. 

The Struggle is Part of the Story.

Britt

Esparza Style.. Custom Bottles Made

I got Julie saying Y'all!

Dad got his own Bottle!!

Gianna's response to the y'all sweatshirt. She asks why I say the word all the time

The Girls

My Sisters

Best Christmas Gift I prayed for :) 

Annual Movie and Hibachi for Christmas

Family Photo

Kisses

My Words 2016

 

My words for 2016, as I read them each word brought up a thought or feeling of this past year as well as years combined. This past year (basically almost 2 years really) has been the hardest of my life. Truths about my marriage came out. We separated and I didn't know what was going to happen. Then we were working through our struggles together. But then more truths came out. And some things without God at the front just can't survive. My marriage being one of them. I left and divorced the man I had been with as his wife for almost 7 years and by his side over 14. I was now on my own. I have learned so much about life, myself, God, love and so much more. These words describe just a little of it.

Love.... is the biggest right there in the middle. I am learning what that word means more than any other. Mostly what it means to be loved unconditionally from my faithful Heavenly Father. What it means to have friends love me through the toughest time in my life. What it means to love MY FATHER, BROTHER, & new family. What it means to lose a love but gain a new meaning of love toward Christ, my faith, the gospel, my church, my family and friends.

Happy....this term wasn't felt before like it should be. Fear was far above it. Even though fear didn't even make the list...it was what was felt. I woke up daily in fear of messing up. In fear of letting my anxiety and anger take control. Fear of the reality of what my life became. Through some soul searching, some letting go and letting God, my friends and family I became happy. I learned to be happy. I let myself be happy. For the first time in many many years I'm happy.

Birthday...let's just saying celebrating birthdays is my thing...for like a week! I love going out multiple times. I also might buy an outfit for each birthday dinner. Happy Birthday to me! Ha ha
But I also love that I share the week with obviously my twin sister Michelle! Fun Fact...we are born on different days! April 13 & 14th. 11:55pm & 12:01am! So I always have her to share it with but also love we have a fun story to tell. Then also, my soul sister Rach, the one who God put into my life when I was 14 years old. Her birthday is the day after mine on the 15th. We are the Triplets! She gets me. She loves me. She busts out the truth when I need it and even lends the couch when necessary. Moving on to the woman who birthed me's birthday...April 16th! (Fun Fact #2...Rach's moms birthday is on the 12th...we were all meant to be in each other's lives!) So it's always birthdays, birthdays, birthdays! Ps, I love coffee & Trendy Pieces, so that's always a good gift 😉.


God... am I so thankful for this man. For his grace, mercy, forgiveness, and guidance. Through this last year I have leaned on my God more than ever. He taught me that I am His. I knew this long ago. That I am a child of God. But sadly, I didn't understand it until I hit the bottom. I saw myself as a wife, a teacher, sister, friend, a daughter to my mom. I didn't realize I was missing the most important title that Christ gave me on the cross. That I was HIS DAUGHTER!! That I was forgiven long ago. That no matter what was happening around me I had a Father who loved me despite of all the sin and mistakes. Despite of me leaving my husband. Despite of me failing. I also felt Gods love when I was brought slowly up from rock bottom. I felt it every time I asked God to help me through that moment. Help me not hear Satans lies. I am His daughter and he will never leave me. He will always love me.

I see words like fun, amazing, story, change, laughs, life, adventure and realized for the first time I've lived and all of those happened. I went out with my friends and had fun and was laughing. No worries about someone else happiness but my own! My life became something different and it was amazing. I went on first dates--as awkward as it was to tell myself to start dating. Dating is an adventure lol. I changed my whole life and I was doing okay! My story became something. In May my sister and I found our father and brother. I went on a plan for the first time-- 8 times in 3 months total now this year! I spent the most amazing 5 days getting to know my father and brother. Then another 5 days with my brother and family! I went and climbed a mountain (literally!). I sat at the top and looked out and felt something I've never felt before. Peace. Peace that God lead me to that moment on that mountain to feel him. I taught in some way since 2006...this year I didn't step foot in a classroom when Fall rolled around. But I'm LOVING where I am! I work with such a great group of people and company. If you know me at all you know pictures are my thing. So working at a photography studio is amazing!

This year, it's been something else. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I became Brittany Rae again. I lost her for a time being. I have so much more to learn and so many ways to grow. I'm just now accepting it all with open arms. For those of you who have been a part of my life this year. Thank you and I love y'all!