My Words 2016

 

My words for 2016, as I read them each word brought up a thought or feeling of this past year as well as years combined. This past year (basically almost 2 years really) has been the hardest of my life. Truths about my marriage came out. We separated and I didn't know what was going to happen. Then we were working through our struggles together. But then more truths came out. And some things without God at the front just can't survive. My marriage being one of them. I left and divorced the man I had been with as his wife for almost 7 years and by his side over 14. I was now on my own. I have learned so much about life, myself, God, love and so much more. These words describe just a little of it.

Love.... is the biggest right there in the middle. I am learning what that word means more than any other. Mostly what it means to be loved unconditionally from my faithful Heavenly Father. What it means to have friends love me through the toughest time in my life. What it means to love MY FATHER, BROTHER, & new family. What it means to lose a love but gain a new meaning of love toward Christ, my faith, the gospel, my church, my family and friends.

Happy....this term wasn't felt before like it should be. Fear was far above it. Even though fear didn't even make the list...it was what was felt. I woke up daily in fear of messing up. In fear of letting my anxiety and anger take control. Fear of the reality of what my life became. Through some soul searching, some letting go and letting God, my friends and family I became happy. I learned to be happy. I let myself be happy. For the first time in many many years I'm happy.

Birthday...let's just saying celebrating birthdays is my thing...for like a week! I love going out multiple times. I also might buy an outfit for each birthday dinner. Happy Birthday to me! Ha ha
But I also love that I share the week with obviously my twin sister Michelle! Fun Fact...we are born on different days! April 13 & 14th. 11:55pm & 12:01am! So I always have her to share it with but also love we have a fun story to tell. Then also, my soul sister Rach, the one who God put into my life when I was 14 years old. Her birthday is the day after mine on the 15th. We are the Triplets! She gets me. She loves me. She busts out the truth when I need it and even lends the couch when necessary. Moving on to the woman who birthed me's birthday...April 16th! (Fun Fact #2...Rach's moms birthday is on the 12th...we were all meant to be in each other's lives!) So it's always birthdays, birthdays, birthdays! Ps, I love coffee & Trendy Pieces, so that's always a good gift 😉.


God... am I so thankful for this man. For his grace, mercy, forgiveness, and guidance. Through this last year I have leaned on my God more than ever. He taught me that I am His. I knew this long ago. That I am a child of God. But sadly, I didn't understand it until I hit the bottom. I saw myself as a wife, a teacher, sister, friend, a daughter to my mom. I didn't realize I was missing the most important title that Christ gave me on the cross. That I was HIS DAUGHTER!! That I was forgiven long ago. That no matter what was happening around me I had a Father who loved me despite of all the sin and mistakes. Despite of me leaving my husband. Despite of me failing. I also felt Gods love when I was brought slowly up from rock bottom. I felt it every time I asked God to help me through that moment. Help me not hear Satans lies. I am His daughter and he will never leave me. He will always love me.

I see words like fun, amazing, story, change, laughs, life, adventure and realized for the first time I've lived and all of those happened. I went out with my friends and had fun and was laughing. No worries about someone else happiness but my own! My life became something different and it was amazing. I went on first dates--as awkward as it was to tell myself to start dating. Dating is an adventure lol. I changed my whole life and I was doing okay! My story became something. In May my sister and I found our father and brother. I went on a plan for the first time-- 8 times in 3 months total now this year! I spent the most amazing 5 days getting to know my father and brother. Then another 5 days with my brother and family! I went and climbed a mountain (literally!). I sat at the top and looked out and felt something I've never felt before. Peace. Peace that God lead me to that moment on that mountain to feel him. I taught in some way since 2006...this year I didn't step foot in a classroom when Fall rolled around. But I'm LOVING where I am! I work with such a great group of people and company. If you know me at all you know pictures are my thing. So working at a photography studio is amazing!

This year, it's been something else. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I became Brittany Rae again. I lost her for a time being. I have so much more to learn and so many ways to grow. I'm just now accepting it all with open arms. For those of you who have been a part of my life this year. Thank you and I love y'all!

Tattoos...its part of my Story

Tattoos...everyone has their views of them. I've seen them tastefully done and others well you were wondering what they were thinking.  We all get them for different reasons. I never would have thought at age 17 when getting my first one I would end up with 8. Yes, I know...Brittany has 8 tattoos!! If you just glance at me you wouldn't even see them. They are there and they all tell a story. Part of my story.



Like I said my first one I got when I was 17. Good ole Spring Break! I was down in Daytona, FL for bike week with my God parents and family. Aka my dad and mom that didn't have to birth me but love me like they did.   It's special to me. I took the design from my twin sisters geometry project that she designed. It's a half sun/moon with a star off to the side. It's located on my right hip. I've always been fascinated that throughout the day with the sun shining brightly you can still see the moon. They are 93 million miles apart from each other but to me they are always together and forever apart. 

         My second tattoo came years later. I had wanted it for awhile and finally jumped at the chance to get it.  I knew I wanted my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 in it. That's my fighter verse. It keeps me going on both good and bad days.  I picked my right foot for this design. I got the corny infinity symbol but that's okay. I also have three purple sparrows that fly over the top of it. At the time of me getting the tattoo I had experienced infertility for 3 years. Each bird represents a year of me wanting to be a mom.  It reminds me of the Hope that God gives me in his promises. Will I still be a mom one day? Maybe not. I don't know. I just have Hope that HIS plan will happen and not my own. I have come to terms that I might not meant to be a mom. I might just meant to love kids in a different way. And I believe I do. I have nephews, nieces, and am surrounded by kids all the time.

Then there was a hiatus from 2-3. Someone in my life didn't agree with them as much so I was respectful.  Then March of 2015 I got my 3rd one on my left foot.
It stands for my fighter phrase "The Struggle is Part of the Story" the theme for this blog, the theme I have put on my testimony, my trials and struggles.  It's the Bible with the pages turning.

Then March 2016 I got numbers 4 & 5 at the same time. After I took off my wedding ring it was hard. To look down and see nothing after wearing a ring on that finger since I was 13...first a promise ring, then my engagement ring, to wedding set.  I knew I wasn't going to try and save my marriage a second time and that was hard to handle. BUT...as I sat and prayed one day God helped me. I finally understood who I was I Christ for the first time. I was HIS daughter. He loved me through everything and would never abandon me. So I put a cross on my ring finger. So in times of hurt I can look down and be reminded of HIS promise to me.
I also put a heart with a semicolon. It reminds me that my story isn't over. It connects with the Bible. You end a sentence with a period. But a semicolon ; it means it keeps going. After the last two years I put this on my left wrist to be reminded that my life goes on after heartbreak. My story isn't over.




Then bring on Good Friday and #6 and some of the best girls to spend it with!! We all got tattoos together that day. I put the Christian fish on my right hand ring finger. I have worn a ring on my middle for the last 8 years that has the Christian fish all the way around it. I put the fish on my finger to represent my faith. The faith that got me through so much. 




Number 7...this one I spoke to me months before I got. I had planned this one before number 6 but this one I wanted on a certain day.  The day I got divorced. The day I said goodbye to the first love of my life. The one who also broke my heart. There is power inside someone to have your heart broke yet still move forward and love again. It's scary but beautiful.  The Lotus flower grows up from the bottom. The lotus flower symbolizes rising from a dark place into beauty and rebirth, as this is exactly how a lotus flower grows. Lotus flowers grow directly out of muddy and murky waters and produce beautiful blooms. That is what I did. I became a new person and believed in myself for the first time. I looked at myself and believed my life before me was beautiful.

Then my last one #8... This verse kept coming to me time and time again through my valley. God kept me close to him and kept me safe. I placed this one on my left upper rib. No matter what life is throwing at me. I know that God is covering me with his grace and mercy. Protecting me. I trust in Him to get me through it all.