Words have escaped me for the most part of the last year and half. I kept most of them to myself or with those who I kept close to me. Me trying to describe the moments and my heartache. (again) I kept what was happening out of the spotlight. I kept trying to make sense of what was happening. How I was feeling. What I told myself what was yet again happening. I didn't want to believe that my marriage just wasn't going to make it. You see no one plans to get divorced… at least that's not the go-to thing on your mind when you're getting married. But if I would have known about the deep hurt then I wish I could have just been able to walk on by the night we met. To continue living my life and not knowing any sort of hope of a life. I hate that I remember lying in bed crying myself to sleep next to the man that was supposed to love me no matter what. I was his family Until I wasn’t. Crying so hard asking for explanations that air wasn’t possible. Looking at him, looking at me and never going to understand why. The heartbreak physically hurt…..that was the fall, The hurt that I never expected was the top of my world. I tried so hard to ignore that the marriage just wasn’t going to work after all the hurt. Then I realized I was breaking my own heart daily. I couldn’t keep my marriage together no matter how much I wanted it to be. That I couldn’t make him see “me”.
We all know divorce is hard. Whether it was wanted or not. I was the one who filed and said it was over so….. I get it. Doesn’t take away the falling. Doesn’t take away heartbreak. I have realized that sometimes your life has to fall apart in order for it to be put back together. Most of us are still in the falling part stage, but the great thing is that eventually you land on your feet. One day it just becomes easier to stand. Then you start to walk. And you have walked into a new amazing life. Some days might be a little more savage than others. You might have a twinge of “fuck this is my life” Then other days you realize that you have accomplish far more than you expected. I struggled with the fall partly because I wasn't healed from previous heartbreak & trauma.I took ownership that I wasn't ready to be a wife to someone else. Yet I became one. I need more healing. I needed more time. I just didn't take it. I also know that it wasn't all me. Don't get me wrong. I did try to make things better. Make things work. I really did. I did counseling with some amazing women. I told my heart to them. They all gave me Godly sound advice. They prayed for me. For my marriage. In the end it came to this... me. I needed a healed me. That wasn't going to happen in my marriage. Mistrust was already felt. Fear was already felt. A broken heart was already laid out on the floor. After everything I already went through I knew that it didn't matter what was on the paper from the court house. I knew getting another divorce was wrong. I also know that feeling like I did was also wrong. See I made a promise to myself after I went down a dark road. That I wouldn't allow my life to turn back down it. I had come too far to do a U-turn. So I picked me and the rest of my 40-50 year life. I picked not questioning if I was being lied to. I picked not being someones second choice. I picked loving myself over being downgraded. I picked a safety over fear. All of that still came with so much emotion. God, I hated what was happening because I knew it was the only way. I was struggling trying to make sense of what 2020 was ....so there I was standing out in the pure darkness of my yard staring up at the stars the perfect song came on that put a peace about my divorce about the whole past 4 years. Music is very intimate to me. Strange, I know. It’s like the best self help book and therapy all in one. When words can’t seem to find sound, when my soul just needs an explanation for the feelings or thoughts. There is ALWAYS a song.
Falling Apart. That’s how I have felt the last couple years of my life. When I have cried a great deal more than I have smiled or crinkle nosed laughed. When I have questioned my self worth far more times than I can count. When I wasn't prepared for what was to come. When I allowed another human to tell me I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough. When I had to question my everything. I couldn't keep it together any longer. So I fell apart (again). I can now say 7 months later I have been able to heal from more of my past than I ever have before. I took my time through 2020 and so far into 2021. I brought people in that guided me through healthy healing. I did counseling, books, podcasts, post divorce classes, and more. This time my falling part. Losing my way. Brought more. It truly brought back Brittany Rae.
“How could we have known That it could hurt like this I'm lying in our bed tonight
Tears are falling from my eyes I'm staring at the ceiling You're not here with me
And I remember when our love was young Before the damage had been done
It's a long way to fall From the top of the world….And I can't keep it together
Everything falls apart And I can't keep it together This is gonna break my heart”
Falling Apart- The Dailys, Jillian Edwards and Ellie Holcomb
Falling Apart. That’s how I have felt the last couple years of my life. When I have cried a great deal more than I have smiled or crinkle nosed laughed. When I have questioned my self worth far more times than I can count. When I wasn't prepared for what was to come. When I allowed another human to tell me I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough. When I had to question my everything. I couldn't keep it together any longer. So I fell apart (again). I can now say 7 months later I have been able to heal from more of my past than I ever have before. I took my time through 2020 and so far into 2021. I brought people in that guided me through healthy healing. I did counseling, books, podcasts, post divorce classes, and more. This time my falling part. Losing my way. Brought more. It truly brought back Brittany Rae. 
