When a Dream Comes True

Okay, so I left you at my thoughts as I waited to meet my dad...

So I was nervous as heck so I drink had to be had to calm my nerves.  We got off the plane and started walking. I sent a text to my brother letting him know that we had landed safely and were on our way. I'm actually glad the whole movie/tv thing isn't real and they weren't there as soon as we walked off the plane.  I needed the time to collect myself. My heart was racing. I kept asking Michelle if she was ready. This wasn't a dream. I wasn't imagining any of this. He would be right in front of me! We first saw my sweet niece Gianna looking up from the bottom of the escalator. Jacob had the camera rolling (he is the video guy of all life events we have). Then there he was. Right there!!! Michelle gave him a hug first while I gave my brother a big hug. I surprisingly held it together and there were no tears.  My sister-in-law and niece were right there as well. It was cute or dad had two balloons like he would bring to the hospital after babies born it said "it's a girl". My brother had made a cute sign with her name was on them.  The moment is something I will never forget.  Well then loaded up and headed back to my brothers house to hang out. Once there we all sat around and hung out. I had brought pictures to share with them that Michelle and I growing up. They had brought up the photo albums as well and we were just exchanging memories. 

Our dad had brought out two gifts for Michelle and I they were the most beautiful necklaces with books to go with them. They were birthday presents for the last 28 years he had missed. I now treasure that necklace since it is the first thing he's ever gave me. 

Most everyone followed the story via Facebook all weekend long as we were  famous in all of our circle of friends on what was taking place.  Amazingly it was like we've always known each other our personalities meshed our humor was the same and it was just like we were on another weekend with her family. We took a day trip to Seattle and did the tourist thing. We went to one of the mountain towns and did some sightseeing. We also did a day on the boat for Fourth of July. The weekend couldn't have gone any better. I saw my personality in my brother. Which brought me so much joy. I saw J has an amazing new sister who I immediately loved! G, my sweet niece, and hearing her call me Auntie and loving on me! Leaving was hard because I felt like more time needed to be had... I was beyond thankful that we had this new family. I had this other half my life I now had...before all of this I didn't think that hole would be filled it didn't even seem possible before now.   Words can't truly describe the blessing it has been to start this chapter with my dad, my step mom, my brother, my sister in law and niece.  We might have missed the first 28 years but I know God will use the rest of our lives together and make it amazing. I found my part of my other half. Though I share a lot from my amazing mother I also share it with my amazing father.  My tan skin, my brown eyes, my dark hair, my allergies, my shortness, and so much more that I can't wait to learn! 

The Struggle is Part of the Story

My Life is Now a Ancestry Commercial ....or a Lifetime Movie

  So this crazy thing happened this past year my life became a lifetime movie. Okay, not really there wasn't any directors called or scripts written. (though I know somebody that could do both!)

It all started with some snow days. Michelle and I are both teachers so we decided we could play around on ancestry website and do our family tree. It started out small then 14 plus hours later, two computers, and our phones we had a huge list of our grandmothers side. We went back to 1459 and Switzerland! Found at 1-we aren't German like my Grandma always told us. 2- we have a cute little town/farm with our original family name. 3-they used the same name over and over and over again!
       The next day we even started on my grandfathers side and found out they lived in the next town over from where we grew up in Illinois.
Fast forward to May....Michelle got to looking for our father. She didn't even tell me at first. Then one day on the way work I get a text with the screenshot of the first conversation. I immediately started crying. My heart was racing.  Was this real?????
            Let me step back a minute and talk about some history of feelings.  Growing up I did have a dad who treated me as his own. I was 3/4 when he met my mom. He technically is the first person I ever called Dad. I was around the age of 5 at that time. He took on the roll of raising 4 girls that wasn't his own. We lived in a small town in Illinois and he lived across the river working in the oil fields. He worked hard and wanted us. That's a big deal to a little girl who always understood that she didn't have a dad that wasn't her DNA. In 1997 he married my mom and we all moved south to have a better life for my sisters and I along with his son. Though this marriage did not work out he stayed around for my little sister. He even stayed around for us. Always accepted us to come along visitations and vacations. Till we got to the teenage stage and friend time over ruled hanging out with dad.  But even as I grew he took my on a senior year vacation, gave me money for senior trip, he came to my wedding, and college graduation.  He might not ever know but it all meant a lot.
    Then along the way God blessed me with father figures. I had a youth pastor that guided me through high school and college and still is a part of my life. The Godly father figure I really needed and God provided. I started my foundation as a Christian by his teachings and was given a early Fatherly Godly love by him.
     I was also given another Father figure that included a second family. He's always been there to guide me, give advice, and give me love. We always joke I'm the daughter he didn't have to pay for college.  I know if I ever need anything this man will try his best to do it. He also has the best second family I could ask for! I've got a second mom and sister from another mom and mister I could ask for!! Plus, added aunts, uncles, and nieces and nephews!
    So let's hop back to May...we found our dad!! Was this real???
My whole life it was me not knowing. Then found out I had a BROTHER!! That shared half my DNA!! I mean say what!!! It was amazing. We chatted back and forth via Facebook. All excited about the possibility that was before us.  We found a DNA testing place that was here in TN and then also in WA where our father was visiting. We both got our samples in on June 9th....and waited. The day's drug on so slowly. I must have checked my email a 1,000 times June 14th waiting on the results. THEN 3:30 came and my heart raced as I saw the notification pop on my phone. I don't know how those people on Maury feel 😂. It was a match!!! 99.9997%! I immediately cried and was flooded with so many emotions.  I called Michelle and told her the results. I sent a screen shot to MY BROTHER Allen. And he immediately wanted to talk to me. We talked on the phone and it was amazing. I heard is voice. His laugh. We were all just in shock. I mean he had gone his whole life not knowing he had two sisters!!
Later that evening while with Michelle we both called our dad. We heard his voice---which was heart stopping. The whole thing just didn't have any words. 28 years without even knowing and now I had a dad, a step mom, a brother, a sister in law, a niece, and more!!!! We announced on social media on Father's Day which made it so special for us all. For the first time I got to tell MY DAD Happy Father's Day!
   We then planned a trip to meet them! I was so excited!! We were flying out to Seattle to meet them. I was nervous just wondering about how the trip would go. I also had never been on a plane. So July 1st Michelle, her husband Jacob, and I hopped on a plane and headed out. On the plane I wrote this piece and I'll leave you with that. Part 2 of the trip will come next!!





 Every little girl deserves this...a daddy.  Someone who calls them princess. Someone who dances with her; A forever dance partner.   Someone who lets her wrap her finger around his heart.  Someone who gets to come with Donuts with dad.   A protector yet the first man to love her. 

My whole life I was missing that. I've always wondered who helped make "me". What was he like? How did his voice sound like? Was he outgoing? Shy? Did he panic or have anxiety like me?  My brown hair, my brown eyes, my easily tanned skin, my trillion freckles, my allergies, my everything...was all those things about me a part of  him? Granted I grew up being told I look exactly like my mom but it pained me at the same time to be told that as much as I loved my mother.  I couldn't just be her.  I grew up with one picture. Just one. I saw his puffy cheeks. His brown hair. His dark beard. And it gave me a peace knowing I got something from him and that I could live with.  When I was 13 my heart ached. Ached for a dad ...to be someone's little girl...his little girl.  I would always say I was part Mexican and I was sooo proud. I don't even know why. It's not like I actually knew if this was true. But it gave me something of him.  Over time I gave up on the dream of figuring out who my dad was and where.  Before that I would dream of him finding me (and Michelle). That he would just show up at my doorstep. The thing with dreams is sometimes you have control of making them come true. This one...it was just a dream that caused heartache ever June, Every time I saw my friends with their dads, every time I missed out on a "dad thing".   I was so very blessed with other father figures in my life who still this day are here for me. Both who still to this day would do anything for me. For that I am thankful for God brining them into my life but a hole still existed. 

        Until recently, my dear sister found him. The other half of our brown hair and brown eyes.  The one who gave me my puffy cheeks and eye shape.  In the day and age of Internet we found him. I wept when she sent me the messages she had sent back and forth. The possibility of one of my biggest hurts being healed.  And to top it off we had another sibling! A brother...who we looked like!! The days that followed were unreal. I felt like a lifetime movie. We got a DNA test done and waited...and waited...and waited. Okay well we only waited 6 actual days which was nothing compared to the 28 years of not knowing. Then the email came...a 99.99999997% match. I wept. My chest and throat tighten and I wept.  Something I've only been able to dream of wasn't a dream anymore. It was my reality.  The thought of knowing for the first time in my life who my father was on a Father's Day,  of my whole life being something different, getting a whole new family was overwhelming. A good overwhelming. The hole inside me was closing up.  
   I heard my fathers voice for the first time in my life and it was amazing.  I talked to my brother!  Crazy...another person who shares part of who I am!  He announced to the world on Fathers Day about his two wonderful daughters. My heart smiled.  I got to tell him Happy Fathers Day.
   Today we meet them.  The wonder and the wait is over.  We are all so unbelievably excited. I keep picturing the meeting in my head. Holding Michelle's hand fighting back the tears as well walk through the airport toward him. Seeing him standing right in front of me. For the first time feeling my fathers hug. Even now as I write this I'm crying because I am so grateful for what God has done. Something I've always prayed for is meeting my father...and God answered that prayer at a time in my life when I needed it most.  It's one thing to get love from a Heavenly Father but now I get that here on earth.  I can't wait to make memories with him and my brother with Michelle.  So the adventure begins of our lives together.

The Struggle is Part of the Story

Jeremiah 29:11

"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord,  plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

For those of you who know me at all or remotely around me you can easily figure out that this is my favorite verse. I have it tattooed on my foot, I recited often, I have cute art and plaques with it, I have a journal with it on the cover. It's my life verse. It brings me peace and hope in time of struggle.  

It's all about embracing his plan. 

You see the call to not only trust God but to have peace in knowing he will carry you through it. 

"Then you will call upon me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you." declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations in places where I have been banished you." Declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." 

'With all your heart" Not just parts of your heart crying for ease. Not just the part of your heart crying for restoration. But find that place in your heart eager for growth, and let it cry out as well. Embrace his perfect plan, and you will find God, see his plan from his perspective, and enjoy peace right in the middle of the storm. He will carry us. This is the season of growth. This is the part of the plan. Continue to call on him with great confidence, realizing that nothing, no hard place, can separate you from God's comforting presence and boundless mercy. This will soon pass, and on the other side waits Rich perspectives, beautiful growth, and yes, stronger faith. 

I have read Jeremiah 29:11 a thousand times. But truthfully I never thought to read past it. Not even sure why. But then I did and it brought my light into what the verse means for me. 

God is hearing me. He's heard me all along. When I've prayed for my friends when I was in youth group. When I prayed for my college experience. When I prayed for guidance on my life. When I found out about my infertility. When I begged and begged God for a child and for healing for my body. When I suffered with anger, anxiety, & depression. He's heard me when I asked for my marriage not to end, to help S, to help me, and to protect me in the situation. 

God doesn't have deaf ears. 

Plan A, B, C and so on just wasn't working. The control freak in me well was freaking out!!!  

My dream life wasn't happening. My marriage was falling apart, I couldn't have kids so I wasn't ever going to become a mom, I wasn't building my dream home, I wasn't happy about anything really.  And it all sucked. A LOT! 

I sucked it up. I got to the point where I truly had to believe the verse I had tattooed on my foot. That my God would not harm me and he would give me hope and peace. And he did. In the midst of my storm inside the valley he gave my a new church that taught the gospel so clearly that I falling in love with God all over again. He gave me a community of believers that prayed for me, helped me when I needed prayer or just to sit and ugly cry. My faith grew stronger. I learned to lean on God and trust in his plan. He knew what was to come of me. I just needed to let go and let God. When I did. I was able to live again. Sleep came. Eating came. Laughter came. Love came.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 shows there is hope in the midst of disasters. If it's not good, then God's not done. God keeps his promises in His time. Not ours. Even though we would like it to be ours and boy am I thankful it's not!! I realized that the bad circumstances I was going through are not the result of God abandoning me or you. Because God is faithful to us, we can trust Him and do what He says. Our relationship with God isn't based on our actions, but our connection to Jesus. God changes our lives by first changing our hearts. 

The Struggle is Part of the Story

Out of Death Will Come Life Prt 2

Out of Death Will Come Life Part 2..

Okay so the divorce happened and I was having "my trip". It was during the week of what was supposed to be my 7 year/15 year anniversary. Soooo I called it my non-anniversary. We had gone on a river trip early that morning, did some site seeing, and then went up to the top of a one of the mountains of a tram/sky lift.  Simple enough day. At the top I sat on this rock and just gazed out to the beauty of God's creation. I thought back on the last year an a half of my life and a weapt for it. Not in a sense that I was "sad" but I felt like I was ending the grief then and there. I actually hadn't cried in some time but this cry felt good. I had a little talk with Jesus. At the end of it. I left my heart break, pain, hurt, and grief at the top elevation  10,450 feet.  But here is the writing that I wrote that day. Along with the amazing view of Teton Village, Wyoming. 

 



It's like I'm walking in a dream.

        I see a woman. Young, standing alone in a field, between fire and green grass. She feels the heat and the smoke is burning her lungs. Her eyes are watering trying to look past. She is wondering if she is going to make it before the fire takes over everything. 

       She stops and drops to her knees while tears are flowing from her cheek. The pain from what is happening too much to handle. She looks ahead and sees the beauty. The green grass, beautiful tree, and the bright sun. New Life.

   

 The woman I see is me.

I felt the heat from my body and panic that life gave me. I had to often touch my chest and remind myself to take a second, breath, and to wake up from the lies that were swimming around in my head.  I needed to understand that I must lay down my old life in order to begin the new one. I was scared but I knew I would learn that God would give me the strength and give me something greater than I could have ever imagined.

 I was in a chapter in my life where I desperately didn't want to be in. Where I get my heart broken, fears come true, but out of all that death came life. This feeling went deep, it is what I held onto even when I didn't believe it at first. I would say it out loud praying one day it would be true. An I'm supposed to thing. It's not fate, its not in the stars, or destiny. When it comes to things there are no accidents. Everything is happening based on your choice and sometimes someones else. My life was in this season for a reason. It wasn't so I could fail or to quit. My future was going to be different than my past. 

      I had good and bad moments, terrified thoughts and confident ones. It felt like I was being pushed into a role I hadn't asked for; the full scope I didn't know yet.  "Destiny" felt like an obligation. That I was thrown into the "battle" against myself and what was going on, that had to be my choice. Though in my head the choice was made long before these thoughts. The "For Better or For Worse" that was my choice...and if that was true than I didn't ask for this ending. I had dreamed up this life for myself and well this wasn't it. 

BUT...

God gave me a promise, That I would live in extraordinary life. That the pain I was feeling I would be healed from; that the life I was moving into would matter.  That I would do great things. That I would be a great woman. Better than before. I believed that. Believed it in the midst of the pain and still do out of it.

I don't regret the choices I have made. Picking S for my husband, the wrongs I did in my life, picking to end my marriage and file for divorce, ending the life I once knew and starting over. Even when I ask myself the "what ifs" I'm glad I am where I am. I don't know who I would be if I hadn't picked "death".  I fear I wouldn't be in an okay. I used to try to play it all out in my head, how it would be if things could go back. But I can't let myself finish that thought. I couldn't imagine myself somewhere different than where I am at this very moment. I think about how far I have come mentally, spiritually, and physically and it's been a great distance. 

I think
How could I want to go back?

How could I give up what I've become? 

Give up where I am? 

I can't. 

Out of Death Will Come Life

Out of Death Will Come Life Prt 1

This blog will be one word: RAW

It will be my raw emotions during the most difficult time in my life. I am sharing so that maybe just from part of my story and part of my journey will help someone. Weather they have gone through anxiety, depression, anger, hurt, separation, or even a divorce. I want my life to be for the glory of Christ. Sharing my story I believe is how I can do that.   My life phrase has been for years "The Struggle is Part of the Story". I even have the bible tattooed on my foot to represent that phrase and to remind me that my testimony is for the good news of the gospel. 


Part 1 is an intro explaining part 2 but it shows where I got my phrase that comforted me during my separation and divorce. So here it goes...

I was going through the biggest trail of my life.  My marriage was ending. It had been falling a part for years but now it was ending. I was left alone, abandoned, and scared. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had spent the last couple months learning a new life on my own and taking care of myself I finally was feeling "normal".  I had been feeling heat rise in my chest at certain thoughts and triggers. The thought of S leaving me, the situation between us, when I wanted to contact him and couldn't or when I missed him.  The heat would be so intense. I could hear my heartbeat in my head, and feel my cheat pound. I couldn't focus on anything but the pain and the heat. I felt the fire inside me. I felt like I was dying (apparently that is just called a panic attack).    
My sister M had asked for prayer for me during her bible study. Some members of this study knew who I was and some had never met me before. There was this girl Jene there and while they were praying she had a vision of me. It was exactly what I was feeling.

"You were standing in a field. It was covered in dead underbrush and trees.  Basically perfect fuel for a wild fire. You was trying to contain what essentially was a campfire but because of the dryness which surrounded you it quickly became out of control. But, once all the dryness and things which were dead were burned it provided fertile soil for new life to be born. Out of what seemed like death came life anew. And that is just what I heard God continue to whisper, "Out of Death WILL come life."

Jene had no idea who I was or even what I was going through at the time she had this vision. My sister simple just asked for an unspoken prayer request for me. God did an amazing thing that night. He gave me soooo much hope through this vision that he gave to a complete stranger. I clung to this vision more times than I could count. My dear friend painted me Shelia painted me the vision that is wonderful.

So it is from The Struggle is Part of the Story this blog is now taking place and because Out of Death Will Come Life